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  • Writer's pictureCaroline Dell


So the results of the first CT Scan are in - and it's GREAT news, the mass which was originally 18cm x 17cm has shrunk to 10cm x 9cm - I have never heard a doctor so excited on the phone.

What does this actually mean ? - well in the real world this means that the cancer is responding really well to the Chemo and that it really is indeed my "best friend"

It also means that, for now, treatment stays the same and we push on with 3 more sessions before the next scan is due.

What does this mean for me - well, a step into the great unknown. Chemotherapy is Cumulative and so as we progress through the cycles, the side effects "can" increase in severity. We will have to wait and see.

This last round hasn't been so easy - and however much I wish I could say, that we ran at a very constant 8/10, the average over the last two weeks was probably a lowly 5/10.

I have felt cheated out of good days by a horrendous batch of mouth ulcers that had they stayed away would have seen me back working behind the camera for a least 8 days this cycle. But sadly the severity and pain left me unable to speak, unable to talk and waking up throughout the night, with what felt like a mouthful of razor blades. Gargling with numbing mouthwash 3 times a night is not so good for a girl that generally "lurves" her sleep.

Today is Chemo day, 4/6, and for the first time, I feel trepidatious

- I still have a mouthful of white pustules - I feel dooomed... I feel exhausted and I feel thoroughly frustrated. THIS IS NOT MEANT AS A PLAINTIVE CRY FOR PLATITUDES - it is what it is, and this blog is an honest blog - I have my very large and oversized BIG GIRL PANTS well and truly welded to my bottom - it does me good to say - today is not a good day !!!!.

One of the things I have struggled with quite a lot is not just "sucking it up" but actually telling people, especially the Doctors and the incredibly busy and truly awesome nursing staff , that I need to take some of their amazingly valuable time and tell them that I'm not ok, that what look like white boils on my tongue are in fact like razors and they make me cry with the frustration and weariness of constant pain. Days and days of it and I have to say that I have the MOST incredible respect for anyone that lives with constant and /or chronic pain of any type.

So I have now recharged my poisonous fuel cell, I have the biggest bags of lotions and potions from the pharmacy and we have a plan to try and control the ulcers - believe me if it the plan fails at least we have tried - and trying is better than nothing, trying brings hope.

Be very prepared - Pandora has requested that the next blog I write is titled "Caro's Chemo Fashion Tips and Beauty Blog" - Pan is one of my bestie friends, and I did think that she knew me very well .....😂😂😂😂😂 .... well watch out world it's on the list.

(Although listening to the chap in the next chair, talking abou this "foggy side effects" and putting his boxers on his arm instead of ....... maybe I need to start an opinion poll round the chairs as to what is the funniest side effect !!!! 😂😂🙈🙈).

So I am sending all my "Crazy Friends" that comment with words of support and humour the biggest of "Thank You's" for sticking with me on this whirlwind of a journey - the adventure that was most definitely NOT on my to-do list.

To Andrew for his continued patience and understanding(even though he tells me these is no way to understand it) for doing more than his fair share for the last 9 weeks and knowing that it isn't gonna get any easier and for cooking me "childrens slop" when all he really wants to east is a Jalfreizi ( I have seen the sauce mix - I know what you are hankering).

Over and out for now

Caro xxx

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